zondag 4 november 2012

Lessons learned: A mother's love

The most dangerous animal in the world is the female of the species when she has newborns. I know this because I felt it.

Something fierce started growling inside my breast the second E. was put on top of it. "Mine", it said. "MINE MINE MINE I WILL RIP OUT YOUR THROAT IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER." And I would have too, if the nurse hadn't recognized the primal agression in my eyes and meekly let me hand MY BABY to her father. (I had no problems sharing E. with S. But the circle of trust stopped right there.)

I never realized a mother's love would be so raw, so aggressive and so utterly helpless at the same time - like a pineapple: all ugly and thorny on the outside and mushy sweet pulp on the inside. I've always been aware of my flaws, but for E. I am actually managing to change. A little, some of the time, slow going, lots of failure and weakness, but still: I am becoming a better person. I am more patient, I listen more carefully, I am less selfish and self-centred and I take much better care of my house and family than before. 

I want to be the best I possibly can for her. (I am quite often not, but I keep trying.) I want to bend the world to her will. I want to protect her, make sure she never feels a moment of pain or sadness in her life.

This was hard in the beginning, when she cried a lot. Or maybe she didn't even cry that much. But I interpreted every single tear as a sign of failure on my side.* I would cry with her. And then, while crying, I would call my mother. 

"I just want my daughter to be happy", I wailed on the phone.

"So do I", answered my mother. 

And then it hit me. This is how my mother feels about me, too.

NaBloPoMo November 2012

* Note to future mothers: do not do this. There's no point and I definitely will spend as little time feeling guilty as possible the second time round, but instead actually enjoy myself. 

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